In my house feel free to dance like it’s May, but there’s a lot ’a old bills I gotta pay

My goals for the new year:

Avoid making any serious attachments or obligations to people and things ~ No, this is not as emotarded as it sounds. As John and Laura were driving me home from my dad’s, they pressured me about college, where I’m going, what I want to do, etc. Laura has been signing me up for billions of college mailing lists, because she’s determined to get me into a real college. I told her about how I was thinking about just traveling, and she said (begrudgingly) that now is the best time to do it, because it would be impossible for her to do that now, with a husband and a kid and a job.  To avoid that excuse-making mentality I have (“Well, now I have to do _____, so I can’t do _____”), if I really want to travel and live abroad, I can’t get myself into any long-term relationships, have a baby (I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s almost plausible), get a two-year cell phone contract with an exclusively American provider, or make any other similar obligations that will keep me from doing what I most desire to do.

Learn to parallel park so I can get a fucking driver’s license ~ I’ve been driving for about four months, but it feels like I’ve been driving for years. I feel like I’m practically an expert. It’s strange, because early last year I had vivid, nasty nightmares about driving. I used to be so anxious about it that I’d make myself nauseous, dizzy, shaky, and now, I really couldn’t give a fuck. Driving feels liberating. But I can’t take the test until I learn how to parallel park. Mom has tried to teach me, but I just suck so much. Practice, practice, practice!

Get a job ~ I feel like such a slacker. I’m almost 18 and I don’t have a job. Larissa had one years ago! Brandon had one. All the kids at school have one. Fortunately, I’m already making progress on this one – I’m applying to the Corning Museum of Glass’s Explainer Program, an awesome arts-oriented program that employs high-school students over the summer, mostly teaching li’l kiddies how to do art stuff. I’m very keen on getting a job so I can save up money to travel.

Get a car ~ I don’t really want to get a car. I feel like it would be one of those things that tie me down, as I mentioned above. But unfortunately, if I’m to sustain a job, I’ll have to drive myself there everyday instead of torturing my mother with the task. Conversely, I’ll have to use the money I get from working to buy a car. Double whammy.

Uh, graduate ~ Guh. What happened to responsible, does-her-homework-every-night, A+, honors-classes-girl Lindsey?  I’m failing English, Sociology, and Chinese. I haven’t even finished my senior paper. I’m behind in so much work, I’m so stressed, and it’s because I waste my time. 

Stop wasting time, stop being lazy! ~ This means, spend less time on the computer, and do something fucking productive. I’ve become so lazy. I need to spend more time outside, for one, and get some sun. I miss colorful Lindsey. I miss energetic Lindsey. Undoubtedly, spending so much time cooped up in my room on the computer is part of the reason that I’m tired all the time. But this will be difficult, because my friends and I have developed this whole FaceSpace rhythmic universe. I’ve mastered social networking to an art. But I need, need, NEED to get out more. I need to do my work and meet my responsibilities and stop wasting time on trivial things and laziness.

Read more and beef up my vocabulary ~  I feel, quite honestly, retarded. Like I’m evolving backwards. Deteriorating? See, I can’t even think of a good word for it. Not only is my ability to write and speak at a standstill, it’s also getting progressively suckier. Trevor has this uncanny ability to make the simplest statement sound intense and inspired…I’d like to be like that again.

Clean my room ~ When I first saw my room after I got home from my clean, peaceful father’s house, I started crying. Seriously. I walked in, and it was so disgustingly dirty, cluttered, and chaotic that I didn’t know where to put my baggage. I could barely walk in it. That was a breaking point of sorts, where all the stress came out and I just cried. My supportive mommy hugged me and told me that a cluttered room means a cluttered mind. Very true.

Get rid of the stuff I don’t need ~ I need to get everything in order and get rid of shit before I move out. My aspiration to be a “mochilera”, or backpacker, has been a complete failure. I’m very devoted to this idea of being able to get by with as minimal an amount of material items as possible, and I need to try harder. I’d love to be able to live comfortably with just the things I have on my back, to motivate me to seek out more fulfilling life experiences. This goal has been reinforced by the death of Jdimytai Damour, who was murdered by people who were relentless and animal-like in their desire to have expendable material items.

Continue being a vegetarian for the entire year ~ The past two months have been so intensely satisfying. I started this vegetarian lifestyle on a whim, and ended up researching it afterward, and I honestly believe this is one of the most important decisions I’ve made in my life. I’m dramatically helping my own health, the earth, and I’m not contributing to an industry that give animals absolutely miserable, painful lives and then kills them, and then produces and sells the meat in a form that’s hardly even meat anymore. I feel cleaner.

Actively seek out treatment for my health problems ~ My stomach is my enemy. It hurts like a motherfucker ALL THE DAMN TIME, and it’s hurt like this for about four years. I’ve never seen a doctor about it because I’m sure it’s a result of my anxiety. But I can’t get a job if I’m sick all the time, and I can’t go to my friend’s house, I can’t travel, etc. I’ve let this problem prevent me from doing a vast amount of things, and it’s really time that I try and get rid of it.

Meditate daily ~ I never felt calmer and less anxious than during the year that I meditated daily. I guess I stopped meditating because I was feeling peaceful, but it started to fall apart soon after. After I realized that I really needed to meditate to feel calm, I started again – but sporadically. I think that was more damaging to me than not meditating at all.

Continue talking to my therapist on ways to help my anxiety/depression ~ I’ve exhausted the hell outta this topic. I’ve barely even scratched the surface on dealing with my anxiety, but I really feel like my therapist has helped me progress.

Find new music and report on it at the end of the year ~ srsly. diz not funneh. need muzik. & i don.t maen muzik on da radio.

FITNESS: Eat wisely, swim more, yoga, boxing, exercise, LOSE WEIGHT ~ I have to eat moderately, diet healthily, and record what I eat in my handy dandy iPod Touch. Annnnddd…since mom stopped renewing our YMCA membership, I haven’t been swimming. I miss it like crazy, and it’s a helluva way to burn calories. Swimming is a very important part of me – I have to keep it up. I don’t want to lose it. Also, along the same lines as meditation, I need to start doing yoga again. I miss the flexibility and how clean I feel when I do it. I also want to take up boxing. In general, I need to exercise consistently and with passion, diet, and lose weight.

Get a tattoo ~ I have an insane amount of ideas and I’m soooooo excited to turn 18! I will elaborate on this in journal entries in the future.

Do fucking amazing at CCC ~ No slacker bullshit. If I want to transfer into a good four-year college in, oh say, Australia, I neeeeeeeeeed to not fuck this up at Corning Community College. THIS is of the utmost importance

Appreciate every second I have with my mommeh, appreciate all she does, and try to spend more time with her ~ I’ve always felt like I don’t show her enough how much I love her. She does so much for me, and she cares about me like whoa. She always puts everybody else before her…she’s a compassionate, selfless, beautiful woman. I never felt more upset than during the breast cancer scare late last year…I’m overjoyed that my mother is healthy. I just need to get her to stop smoking.

Always remember Crow ~ The most noble goggie I’ve ever had. Losing her was like losing a treasured member of the family. Her death was one of the worst parts of last year, but hearing her dying…that was heartbreaking. I hope her loyalty and kindness is being rewarded, somehow, somewhere.

That is all.

Oh, yeah!

Get on Jonah Matranga’s jockey team ~ But first, we show and tell.

~ by Lindsey on January 7, 2009.