He’s also the brother of my mother’s best friend, Mona, who died a couple years ago from illnesses related to diabetes.

It makes me feel like I’m gonna puke. If Mona was alive to see this she would be devastated.

She said I don’t know if I’ve ever been good enough
I’m a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in
And I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved
By hands that touched me, and I feel like something’s gonna give
And I’m a little bit angry, well

This ain’t over, no not here, not while I still need you around
You don’t owe me, we might change
Yeah, we just might feel good

She said I don’t know why you ever would lie to me
Like I’m a little untrusting when I think that the truth is gonna hurt ya
And I don’t know why you couldn’t just stay with me
You couldn’t stand to be near me
When my face don’t seem to want to shine
‘cos it’s a little bit dirty, well

Don’t just stand there, say nice things to me
‘Cos I’ve been cheated, I’ve been wronged
You don’t know me, I can’t change
I won’t do anything at all

Oh, but don’t bowl me over
Just wait a minute, well it kinda fell apart, things get so crazy, crazy
Don’t rush this, baby, don’t rush this baby, baby

I wanna push you around, well I will, well I will
I wanna push you down, well I will, well I will
I wanna take you for granted, yeah, yeah, yeah

If I saw myself, I would run as far away in the opposite direction as I possibly could.   If someone who was the mirror image, the mirror identity of myself greeted me in passing, I would acknowledge them subtly, without soul, and try not to look them in the eye. If they tried to engage me in conversation, I would keep my responses brief and generic to prevent them from assuming we made any sort of connection.

And, god forbid, if I was to unconsciously nurse a relationship with someone precisely like myself by making eye contact, good conversation, smiling at them genuinely…

I would pray to some ethereal spirit to allow me to erase this person from my day-to-day routine, and then rewind my life back to the seconds before I gave her that first unconscious smile, prevent myself from committing such an atrocity, and happily go on with my day.

A slew of strange and depressing things have occurred in the past couple weeks, but this is by far the most unsettling, nauseating, traumatizing, and FUCKED UP thing.

My mother’s best friend for her entire life was Jenny, until Jenny died about 8 years ago from heart failure related to diabetes. Jenny had a brother, Jake, that used to watch JJ and I whenever mom was at work. Most of the time, he babysat us at his and Jenny’s parent’s house (who were usually also working). Their parents are wonderful people who have been a huge part of my life since I first came to New York. We went swimming, played games, watched movies, and listened to music while we waited for my mom’s shift to get done. He was about 20 at the time, very attractive and smart. The nicest person you could hope to encounter. And after he finished college a couple years ago, he began serving the Peace Corps for two years in the Ukraine, teaching teenagers how to speak English.

His two year stint ended two weeks ago. Upon returning to the United States, he was arrested. Security at the airport was checking the computers and laptops of anyone going through (I’m not really sure why, though…is this a new safety measure?). Security found a massive amount of child pornography on his laptop, some of which they suspect may have been made by him.

Jenny’s mother, Abby, called my mother to tell her what happened, completely in tears. His parents are absolutely devastated. Mom asked me today if when I was being babysat by him, did he ever do anything strange?  I said, No…do you mean drugs, because I never saw him do any drugs?  Mom said, No, did he ever touch you?

I got pretty quickly what might be going on, and I told her that he held me a lot when we were swimming, he’d hug me, and I would sit on his lap when we’d watch movies.  My first instinct was to defend him, because I really loved that guy. He was a GOOD GUY. I told her that those were all things that everybody in the family did to me at some point and it was completely innocent. I hug everybody all the time now!

Mom seemed to be very upset by what I told her, though. She told me about the arrest, and seriously…my heart dropped into my stomach. I actually had to stop the car and pull over.

In my mind, it seems utterly impossible. I couldn’t grasp it. He was so nice! He was in the goddamn Peace Corps! He babysat me for THREE YEARS! They must have done something wrong, it was NOT him, was it really his laptop? There’s been a fucking mistake!

No mistake, Mom said.

Jesus fucking Christ. What is wrong with people?

That man in Austria who imprisoned his daughter and raped her for 25 years, fathering her 7 CHILDREN. That douchebag who beat the fuck out of his girlfriend and people don’t care that he isn’t showing ANY REMORSE. Men who get off looking at pictures of naked children?

It’s absolutely mind-blowing how someone can be completely different than they appear. I loved the fuck out of Chris Brown before the Rihanna incident. I listened to his music all the damn time. I was hoping that he’d understand what he did was despicable and he’d try to amend his ways. But days later, jet-skiing and flexing your muscles? After you almost killed a woman? Seriously?

This is nauseating to me. Lord knows that I have my share of kinks and fetishes, but none of them involve hurting someone, taking advantage of someone, abusing someone who can‘t defend themselves. How can something like that be sexually stimulating? The idea of something so innocent and naive taken advantage of seriously makes me want to kill people. There’s no debate here. It’s just NOT RIGHT. It’s WRONG.

All those fun days in the summer that I spent with him, all of those happy, warm memories, are completely tainted. Now that I look back at it, my skin crawls.  I would always be in his arms, on his lap, sitting between his legs. I feel violated.

I fucking HATE him. I hope he’ll be in prison for the rest of his life. Thank GOD that Jenny isn’t alive to see this. She spent her entire life keeping children safe from abusers and predators like him, and if she knew that her own brother was guilty of this…she would have died of a broken heart.

That I have no more to sell to you?

Is it really that important that I settle down?

Does it really even matter that I have my doubts?”

Fuck me for not trying harder to make the most of the life I have. I’ve gone and fucked it all up, and now I do care. But still…why is my life going to be measured by how sure and stable I am? I don’t want to settle and I don’t want people to feel sorry for me for not being all together all the time. I’m the only one who can decide whether or not my life is satisfying, okay?

I’m very unhappy now, but I’m not going to be like this forever. I hope I won’t. I hope I really haven’t fucked up for good.

“No one said I was thrown away…have I been thrown away?”

August 29, 2007, Holmdel, NJ @ PNC Bank Arts Center ~ PROJEKT REVOLUTION ’07: Linkin Park, My Chemical Romance, Taking Back Sunday, HIM, Placebo, Julien-K,  Mindless Self Indulgence, Saosin, The Bled, Styles of Beyond, and Madina Lake – 14 straight hours of hard rock, bitches.

September 22, 2007, Elmira, NY @ Elmira Hibernian Center ~ ELMIRA IRISH FESTIVAL ’07:  Town Pants, Pat Kane, Brian Hyland, West O’Clare, Bryan Kane

This list? It will grow. It will thrive. It will be HUGE, and it will be beautiful.

“Fascinator” by HTRK

Oh, it sounds so sweet….we’re moving. We’re leaving this shithole of a trailer, and we’re moving into a real house. You see, mi casa es, uh, falling apart.

Quite literally. Aside from our recent plumbing fiasco, the floors are sinking. Yes, sinking. Water damage or shoddy craftsmanship or something. The roofs leak like whoa. It’s always freezing cold and in the winter we have to wear our coats and gloves and hats inside. And a trailer is just too small for five, and sometimes six grown people to live in. This house is shithole, and it’s only redeeming quality is it’s location. We’re distanced from our neighbors, and we’re right in the middle of three mountains, which means beautiful scenery all around. Granted, it means I can’t use my cell phone at home, but the view is worth it. We have a creek, a waterfall and water hole, a big, green, lovely forest, and a lot of wildlife. The goggehs get to run all over the place. I’ve lived here for 12 years, and I’ve always loved it, regardless of my assfuck of a step-father. I’ve never felt any desire to live in the city, because it’s so beautiful here. But this trailer is just uninhabitable.

My Great Uncle Bill, whose house I clean every Friday, is moving soon – to a house almost right next to my friend Katelynn’s on Beartown, so he can be closer to his brothers. Mom has talked to Bill, and if everything runs smoothly, we’ll be moving into his old home by the spring. Not only would I not have a problem with it, I’m unbelievably excited about it. And if I end up not liking it, well, I don’t see myself living with Jack and mom for very long. Since I’ll be taking classes in the city and working at CMOG, it would be extremely convenient for me. I’d also be a lot closer to all my friends, Market Street, and civilization in general. The only thing that unnerves me is the house. I’ve cleaned Bill’s house for ages, and I never liked it. It feels old and boring and not as cozy as this trailer. It makes me feel old somehow. But I think it’s far more beneficial than not.

It’s so exciting to think about living in the city. I’ll be able to interact with people more, which I haven’t been doing lately. I think it’ll be good.

The windshield and my window had shattered and there was glass everywhere. Mom unbuckled her seat belt and fell to the ground, tried to get Chloe’s unbuckled but it was stuck, told me to stay, and tried to open my door to climb out but it was too heavy. At that time, Sean, who lives in the house next to where we crashed, came running out and mom told him to call 911. Mom told me she couldn’t get out, so I unbuckled my seat belt, fell to the ground, and tried to climb up. She tried to hold the door open while I climbed out. At that time, a man pulled over to help us. I asked him for a knife, and in retrospect it’s quite funny that man just pulled a knife out of his pocket…how lucky is that? Mom cut Chloe out, climbed out, and pulled Chloe out of the car.

The only damage done to us was some cuts, bruises, back/neck pain from hanging upside down and the impact, and some head pain on my part, but the car was completely destroyed. The police and ambulance came, and Chloe just could not stop sobbing. I felt so sorry for her. We sat in the police car and answered some questions for about an hour, and then she took us home. Once everything/everybody was ok, I didn’t feel guilty about feeling really, really horrible about how both of my iPods, which cost hundreds and hundreds of dollars, were both destroyed in the crash. Way to make this experience seven billion times suckier. The lady told us that it’s miraculous none of us were hurt worse or dead. We are truly, truly blessed – if circumstances were even a tiny bit different – if one of us wasn’t wearing a seat belt or if Brandon was in the car with us too – then things could have been drastically different. One of us could have died. I’m so glad my family and I are alive.

I finally have an “I almost died!” story.
PS: Lolz. I thought it wasn’t that bad, but I just realized that I have a bump bigger than a golf ball on the side of my head. I don’t know how I didn’t realize that. Well, it hurts like whoa.

Avoid making any serious attachments or obligations to people and things ~ No, this is not as emotarded as it sounds. As John and Laura were driving me home from my dad’s, they pressured me about college, where I’m going, what I want to do, etc. Laura has been signing me up for billions of college mailing lists, because she’s determined to get me into a real college. I told her about how I was thinking about just traveling, and she said (begrudgingly) that now is the best time to do it, because it would be impossible for her to do that now, with a husband and a kid and a job.  To avoid that excuse-making mentality I have (“Well, now I have to do _____, so I can’t do _____”), if I really want to travel and live abroad, I can’t get myself into any long-term relationships, have a baby (I know that sounds ridiculous, but it’s almost plausible), get a two-year cell phone contract with an exclusively American provider, or make any other similar obligations that will keep me from doing what I most desire to do.

Learn to parallel park so I can get a fucking driver’s license ~ I’ve been driving for about four months, but it feels like I’ve been driving for years. I feel like I’m practically an expert. It’s strange, because early last year I had vivid, nasty nightmares about driving. I used to be so anxious about it that I’d make myself nauseous, dizzy, shaky, and now, I really couldn’t give a fuck. Driving feels liberating. But I can’t take the test until I learn how to parallel park. Mom has tried to teach me, but I just suck so much. Practice, practice, practice!

Get a job ~ I feel like such a slacker. I’m almost 18 and I don’t have a job. Larissa had one years ago! Brandon had one. All the kids at school have one. Fortunately, I’m already making progress on this one – I’m applying to the Corning Museum of Glass’s Explainer Program, an awesome arts-oriented program that employs high-school students over the summer, mostly teaching li’l kiddies how to do art stuff. I’m very keen on getting a job so I can save up money to travel.

Get a car ~ I don’t really want to get a car. I feel like it would be one of those things that tie me down, as I mentioned above. But unfortunately, if I’m to sustain a job, I’ll have to drive myself there everyday instead of torturing my mother with the task. Conversely, I’ll have to use the money I get from working to buy a car. Double whammy.

Uh, graduate ~ Guh. What happened to responsible, does-her-homework-every-night, A+, honors-classes-girl Lindsey?  I’m failing English, Sociology, and Chinese. I haven’t even finished my senior paper. I’m behind in so much work, I’m so stressed, and it’s because I waste my time. 

Stop wasting time, stop being lazy! ~ This means, spend less time on the computer, and do something fucking productive. I’ve become so lazy. I need to spend more time outside, for one, and get some sun. I miss colorful Lindsey. I miss energetic Lindsey. Undoubtedly, spending so much time cooped up in my room on the computer is part of the reason that I’m tired all the time. But this will be difficult, because my friends and I have developed this whole FaceSpace rhythmic universe. I’ve mastered social networking to an art. But I need, need, NEED to get out more. I need to do my work and meet my responsibilities and stop wasting time on trivial things and laziness.

Read more and beef up my vocabulary ~  I feel, quite honestly, retarded. Like I’m evolving backwards. Deteriorating? See, I can’t even think of a good word for it. Not only is my ability to write and speak at a standstill, it’s also getting progressively suckier. Trevor has this uncanny ability to make the simplest statement sound intense and inspired…I’d like to be like that again.

Clean my room ~ When I first saw my room after I got home from my clean, peaceful father’s house, I started crying. Seriously. I walked in, and it was so disgustingly dirty, cluttered, and chaotic that I didn’t know where to put my baggage. I could barely walk in it. That was a breaking point of sorts, where all the stress came out and I just cried. My supportive mommy hugged me and told me that a cluttered room means a cluttered mind. Very true.

Get rid of the stuff I don’t need ~ I need to get everything in order and get rid of shit before I move out. My aspiration to be a “mochilera”, or backpacker, has been a complete failure. I’m very devoted to this idea of being able to get by with as minimal an amount of material items as possible, and I need to try harder. I’d love to be able to live comfortably with just the things I have on my back, to motivate me to seek out more fulfilling life experiences. This goal has been reinforced by the death of Jdimytai Damour, who was murdered by people who were relentless and animal-like in their desire to have expendable material items.

Continue being a vegetarian for the entire year ~ The past two months have been so intensely satisfying. I started this vegetarian lifestyle on a whim, and ended up researching it afterward, and I honestly believe this is one of the most important decisions I’ve made in my life. I’m dramatically helping my own health, the earth, and I’m not contributing to an industry that give animals absolutely miserable, painful lives and then kills them, and then produces and sells the meat in a form that’s hardly even meat anymore. I feel cleaner.

Actively seek out treatment for my health problems ~ My stomach is my enemy. It hurts like a motherfucker ALL THE DAMN TIME, and it’s hurt like this for about four years. I’ve never seen a doctor about it because I’m sure it’s a result of my anxiety. But I can’t get a job if I’m sick all the time, and I can’t go to my friend’s house, I can’t travel, etc. I’ve let this problem prevent me from doing a vast amount of things, and it’s really time that I try and get rid of it.

Meditate daily ~ I never felt calmer and less anxious than during the year that I meditated daily. I guess I stopped meditating because I was feeling peaceful, but it started to fall apart soon after. After I realized that I really needed to meditate to feel calm, I started again – but sporadically. I think that was more damaging to me than not meditating at all.

Continue talking to my therapist on ways to help my anxiety/depression ~ I’ve exhausted the hell outta this topic. I’ve barely even scratched the surface on dealing with my anxiety, but I really feel like my therapist has helped me progress.

Find new music and report on it at the end of the year ~ srsly. diz not funneh. need muzik. & i don.t maen muzik on da radio.

FITNESS: Eat wisely, swim more, yoga, boxing, exercise, LOSE WEIGHT ~ I have to eat moderately, diet healthily, and record what I eat in my handy dandy iPod Touch. Annnnddd…since mom stopped renewing our YMCA membership, I haven’t been swimming. I miss it like crazy, and it’s a helluva way to burn calories. Swimming is a very important part of me – I have to keep it up. I don’t want to lose it. Also, along the same lines as meditation, I need to start doing yoga again. I miss the flexibility and how clean I feel when I do it. I also want to take up boxing. In general, I need to exercise consistently and with passion, diet, and lose weight.

Get a tattoo ~ I have an insane amount of ideas and I’m soooooo excited to turn 18! I will elaborate on this in journal entries in the future.

Do fucking amazing at CCC ~ No slacker bullshit. If I want to transfer into a good four-year college in, oh say, Australia, I neeeeeeeeeed to not fuck this up at Corning Community College. THIS is of the utmost importance

Appreciate every second I have with my mommeh, appreciate all she does, and try to spend more time with her ~ I’ve always felt like I don’t show her enough how much I love her. She does so much for me, and she cares about me like whoa. She always puts everybody else before her…she’s a compassionate, selfless, beautiful woman. I never felt more upset than during the breast cancer scare late last year…I’m overjoyed that my mother is healthy. I just need to get her to stop smoking.

Always remember Crow ~ The most noble goggie I’ve ever had. Losing her was like losing a treasured member of the family. Her death was one of the worst parts of last year, but hearing her dying…that was heartbreaking. I hope her loyalty and kindness is being rewarded, somehow, somewhere.

That is all.

Oh, yeah!

Get on Jonah Matranga’s jockey team ~ But first, we show and tell.